If you are anyone over the age of 25, you can remember the old school rhyme... STICKS AND STONE CAN BREAK MY BONES BUT NAMES CAN NEVER HURT ME. Shame its not true. Words do hurt, words break us and they slowly kill us. In light of the school bulling movement, suicides, and all around waste of lives ending or stagnating because of words. Words do hurt, if you have never been hurt by someones words, stop reading this, I dare you!
I have been struggling for almost 3 weeks on what to write... I chose to keep silent until God spoke to my heart. Today began like any other day. Get the girls off to school. My youngest is a walker, we live just a block from her school, so as usual, on the way home I put in my headphones and crank up the music. Got to the song "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera and WHAM. Just like that it all came flooding in. In my spirit I heard the phrase... WHATS HOLDING YOU BACK.....
I have been out of work since October, and feeling rather sorry for myself. I dear friend told me that being a mom is the highest calling a woman can have. Ok, but lets be honest... its also the least respected. No place on a resume or job application to list all we do as "usable experience". Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, most days. I love my family, but some days it seems as if I have accomplished nothing. If your like me, when you start your housework... you begin in one room... when you pick something up, leave the room to put it away, you see something else in another room, you pick that up to put it away... so on and on it goes... at the end of the day, you have started so many chores... but how many did we finish? I wish I could say this is all that simple, but if you have ever struggled with self image... its never that simple.
I have worked outside of the house, I have held 3 different career paths...and here I sit... unemployed, with no real prospects on the horizon. I am almost 48 and I look back to take inventory... what have I accomplished? When I am gone... how will I have left a mark here... When I face my Lord and he asks me..."What have you done with the gifts I have given you?" I want so much to be able to answer the question. But here I sit typing... I raised 4 girls... I held some jobs...the last company I worked for almost 8 years... started as a Server...worked my way to management... mostly because people said it couldn't be done. "your a single mom... you cant do it", you have no education in management.... your setting yourself up for failure. Well life... the jokes on you.... I DID IT. Maybe it didn't last long... but don't tell me I cant... I will do it just to spite you. At least that's how I handle the words from others. Not so simple when it comes to me. How is it I can stand up to others, but not myself? I have learned that I am my own worst enemy. This is my life struggle. Its so easy to believe the worst in stead of the best. If you read my first writing, I said I was doing an experiment on my Facebook page. I asked my friends and family to describe me in one word. A few friends gave me more than one. My own husband struggled to think of only one... in the end, he chose not to answer at all. I read them all and than it hit me... while they could all describe who they saw... they were just words. Nobody really knows ME. You all know a part... you know from experience, but you don't know me. you may see me everyday, but you see what I choose to let you see. Except my love. My husband sees I am guessing more than he would like to sometimes...God has blessed me with the greatest husband... my best friend, and yet I cant talk to him about this... God sees me ... the real me, but most times I don't believe Him either. I remember about 10 years ago He laid it in my heart to go and buy an ID bracelet and have it engraved with the words "I MATTER". I wore it for a few months until I believed it. Than I passed it along to a young girl who needed it. I am hoping once she didn't need it anymore she passed it along as well. Yet here I sit. Feeling in my own words "USELESS"
So Kim, whats holding you back? ME. Yes, I am the only one holding me back... why? because of words. I let them get to me... not even what others say, but my words. Sound like someone you know? I am no different than anyone else. I struggle, I hurt, most times I bring it on myself... but I fight, I overcome. I do matter, and in spite of what I feel, I AM NOT USELESS!! I say in spite of what I feel, because right or wrong, I will validate my feelings... but I refuse to allow them to dictate my life and my choices. I am a good mom, and I am a fabulous employee... I will find the right job... and it will because that's where I belong...in that time. I will go back to school, I will get my degree and I will be there for others who feel like crap. I can do it and so can you. We teach our children that "God doesn't make junk, yet we are the first to put words... or labels on others...especially ourselves. My best advice...STOP IT. I have banned my kids from using the "S" word as my 6 yr old calls it....STUPID. Oh how i hate that word.
I challenge you... sit down and make a list of all the words running through your head about yourself. Than tear it up and throw it away. Don't put labels on yourself. Choose your words, not just for you but for others. If you don't believe in the power of words... open your bible... read the first chapter of Genesis. God "Spoke" and things happened. We have that same power. We can choose to speak life words or death words. You want to know what you sound like... listen to your children as they play... they are mini us's. Than pick a word for yourself... write it down and put it places you will see... keep it till you believe it. Today.... I am beautiful and accomplished. I am going to apply for yet another job... It has 2 outcomes... either I get hired or I don't. Either way... I refuse to let any words bring me down today! One day at a time... baby steps.
Whats holding you back?
Need to vent? Email me.. iwasneveralone@gmail.com. .I promise to answer you all as long as you remember... you are not alone!
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