Hello again, I know its been a while, but for me, I cannot just put things out there if I don't have enough clarity and can be sure that this is something someone else needs to hear. Today, the current topic is, Dude...just keep it real. I really cant stand pretend people. Life happens to everybody and if you are going to stand there day in and day out and profess all is well and you have no problems, than you are one of two types of people.
1. Really really blessed good for you (5%)
2. you are full of it and need to keep it real.
So much has happened in the past year sometimes its a wonder why I am not wearing that long white sleeved coat that gives those special hugs, you know it...has the buckles in the back and comes with the really nice orderlies and the medication. Ok, so maybe that's just in the movies, but sometimes I think my life is a bad "B" movie. I am a christian and proud that I am still among the living, but that in no way means my life is easy. Worth it...Yes....easy.... heck no!! Let me give you a run down of the past 14 months.
2011
October --fired (hubby too!) long story.
November--cant get a job
December--cant get a job
2012
January--husband gets job, starts next month. Me...still no job
February--me, no job
March--me, no job
April--husbands private franchise company sold to corporation. Out of a job, me out of a job still
May-husband rehired with corp in hourly position instead of mgmt...there go medical benefits Me...still no job. Are you seeing a pattern yet?
June--me, temporary work as home typist for semiretired attorney...only bout 5 hours a week.
July--husband, promise to be put back in mgmt training... didn't happen...leaves corp for different job. Me, picked up second temp typing job... between the two, barely 10 hours a month.
August--crap for hours, so finally filled out paperwork and financial aid...back to college. Lets get our BS in Human Services, lets just become a social worker. Stop putting off my time.
September--October--November--ugh.... stressful holidays coming. Why can't I just hibernate?
December--no money for Christmas ..guess what...Car loan company reposes my car 2 weeks before Christmas (FML)
All that to tell you what? I admit it...Life can suck...a lot! Remember, we are keeping it real here. I am not currently associated with any church at this time because, well, to be honest...I cant find an honest church. I don't know about you, but I am tired of hearing the sparkly, unicorn riding sermons on how everything is going to be just fine as long as you give your heart to Jesus. Now, wait...before you try to stone me...I know maybe 5% of Christians who are going through nothing and their lives are so sweet it makes you sick. What about the other 95% of us? Its not cause we don't believe, Its not because we don't pray, its not even cause we are not good people. Its simply because we are stuck in this life... growing along the way to the next place we are meant to be. Life happens even to good God believing Christians, We are the "chosen" ones. We walk the hard road for the lessons learned, to gain the experience, because one day...in a galaxy far far away.... our mess will be a message for someone else. Someone else alone and struggling paycheck to paycheck just to survive...to keep the kids fed, to keep a roof over our heads... to keep a little bit of sanity in this life.
I personally don't want to hear all the happy stuff...enough is enough already..I want the pastors to keep it real and preach trouble. Remind the 5% that they are a tiny minority, and the rest of us want to stop the "perfect few of you" from rubbing our noses in it. We don't need newspapers or television to tell us its rough out there. We walk that every day. We need the messages of hope. Messages that we are not forgotten that Gods plan is still working. We need to be reminded that even if we are in the wilderness or feeling like we have been put up on a shelf for another time...that we are still important...still necessary...still a vital member of the planet. We are NOT LESSER people, so stop pitying us and feeling sorry for us...trust me, we do that enough for our selves. Some one send a text message, leave a voice mail, send a letter, an email....something just to let us know that you know we are still alive and let us know you said a prayer for us. Better yet, stop over with a quick cup of coffee and a hug!
Just before Thanksgiving, I sent a private email to a female pastor of a church I attend on occasion, just asking for advice...I expected perhaps a phone call asking if I would like a meeting or something within a week or so... I GOT NOTHING... until last week....yep...2 full months later I got acknowledged. I was told they were "sorry", it must have gotten overlooked. Sad part...was it was not even from the pastor since she should have returned her personal email, it was from someone else in the church wanting me to call if the times she listed were convenient for me. Lets just say that I politely said
'thank you but no thank you". Really? when the email was lost for 2 months you could not contact me yourself? I realize I am not one of your church members...but really? I understand why so many people stay far away from churches. God help me if my life is ever so busy or I am "above" someone else in need...I pray I will quickly be reminded of where I came from. Resolution for the rest of my life... Share my most personal self with NO ONE but God. Yes, I said no one. I have learned every one will lie. Even the person closest to you will look you in the eyes and straight up lie to you. What hurts most is that they don't think you are important enough for the truth. I will keep my confidence in God... Daddy's' got my back!
Please do not mistake what I am saying... this by no means is me saying to not "trust" the one God sends to comfort you. Just beware what and with whom you pour your heart out to... sometimes things are only meant for you and God to share. If you need help...ASK. People do not generally read minds. Most people are too busy to even notice we hurt. So, keep your chin up and do what you need to do to get by that one day at a time. Enjoy the song below, the lyrics are printed in the video...so probably wont work if you are reading this on your cell. Keep strong and remember as I will always tell you...YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Sticks and Stones......
If you are anyone over the age of 25, you can remember the old school rhyme... STICKS AND STONE CAN BREAK MY BONES BUT NAMES CAN NEVER HURT ME. Shame its not true. Words do hurt, words break us and they slowly kill us. In light of the school bulling movement, suicides, and all around waste of lives ending or stagnating because of words. Words do hurt, if you have never been hurt by someones words, stop reading this, I dare you!
I have been struggling for almost 3 weeks on what to write... I chose to keep silent until God spoke to my heart. Today began like any other day. Get the girls off to school. My youngest is a walker, we live just a block from her school, so as usual, on the way home I put in my headphones and crank up the music. Got to the song "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera and WHAM. Just like that it all came flooding in. In my spirit I heard the phrase... WHATS HOLDING YOU BACK.....
I have been out of work since October, and feeling rather sorry for myself. I dear friend told me that being a mom is the highest calling a woman can have. Ok, but lets be honest... its also the least respected. No place on a resume or job application to list all we do as "usable experience". Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, most days. I love my family, but some days it seems as if I have accomplished nothing. If your like me, when you start your housework... you begin in one room... when you pick something up, leave the room to put it away, you see something else in another room, you pick that up to put it away... so on and on it goes... at the end of the day, you have started so many chores... but how many did we finish? I wish I could say this is all that simple, but if you have ever struggled with self image... its never that simple.
I have worked outside of the house, I have held 3 different career paths...and here I sit... unemployed, with no real prospects on the horizon. I am almost 48 and I look back to take inventory... what have I accomplished? When I am gone... how will I have left a mark here... When I face my Lord and he asks me..."What have you done with the gifts I have given you?" I want so much to be able to answer the question. But here I sit typing... I raised 4 girls... I held some jobs...the last company I worked for almost 8 years... started as a Server...worked my way to management... mostly because people said it couldn't be done. "your a single mom... you cant do it", you have no education in management.... your setting yourself up for failure. Well life... the jokes on you.... I DID IT. Maybe it didn't last long... but don't tell me I cant... I will do it just to spite you. At least that's how I handle the words from others. Not so simple when it comes to me. How is it I can stand up to others, but not myself? I have learned that I am my own worst enemy. This is my life struggle. Its so easy to believe the worst in stead of the best. If you read my first writing, I said I was doing an experiment on my Facebook page. I asked my friends and family to describe me in one word. A few friends gave me more than one. My own husband struggled to think of only one... in the end, he chose not to answer at all. I read them all and than it hit me... while they could all describe who they saw... they were just words. Nobody really knows ME. You all know a part... you know from experience, but you don't know me. you may see me everyday, but you see what I choose to let you see. Except my love. My husband sees I am guessing more than he would like to sometimes...God has blessed me with the greatest husband... my best friend, and yet I cant talk to him about this... God sees me ... the real me, but most times I don't believe Him either. I remember about 10 years ago He laid it in my heart to go and buy an ID bracelet and have it engraved with the words "I MATTER". I wore it for a few months until I believed it. Than I passed it along to a young girl who needed it. I am hoping once she didn't need it anymore she passed it along as well. Yet here I sit. Feeling in my own words "USELESS"
So Kim, whats holding you back? ME. Yes, I am the only one holding me back... why? because of words. I let them get to me... not even what others say, but my words. Sound like someone you know? I am no different than anyone else. I struggle, I hurt, most times I bring it on myself... but I fight, I overcome. I do matter, and in spite of what I feel, I AM NOT USELESS!! I say in spite of what I feel, because right or wrong, I will validate my feelings... but I refuse to allow them to dictate my life and my choices. I am a good mom, and I am a fabulous employee... I will find the right job... and it will because that's where I belong...in that time. I will go back to school, I will get my degree and I will be there for others who feel like crap. I can do it and so can you. We teach our children that "God doesn't make junk, yet we are the first to put words... or labels on others...especially ourselves. My best advice...STOP IT. I have banned my kids from using the "S" word as my 6 yr old calls it....STUPID. Oh how i hate that word.
I challenge you... sit down and make a list of all the words running through your head about yourself. Than tear it up and throw it away. Don't put labels on yourself. Choose your words, not just for you but for others. If you don't believe in the power of words... open your bible... read the first chapter of Genesis. God "Spoke" and things happened. We have that same power. We can choose to speak life words or death words. You want to know what you sound like... listen to your children as they play... they are mini us's. Than pick a word for yourself... write it down and put it places you will see... keep it till you believe it. Today.... I am beautiful and accomplished. I am going to apply for yet another job... It has 2 outcomes... either I get hired or I don't. Either way... I refuse to let any words bring me down today! One day at a time... baby steps.
Whats holding you back?
Need to vent? Email me.. iwasneveralone@gmail.com. .I promise to answer you all as long as you remember... you are not alone!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Come on...Really? Enough already....(Murphys Law)
My mother would say this is all Murphy's Law... you know, if anything can go wrong... it does. I remember as a little kid... this would be where we yelled out "UNCLE" and it was all supposed to stop. So I sit here and tell you it has been one of those weeks...
We will start with last Wednesday... 15yr old had braces put on...(tax refund went for down payment...no ortho on dental plan...sorry girl...no drivers licence anytime soon for you...cant afford the school) and her first bracket came off after 4 hours. Before you ask...yes I have the list of everything she can not eat... we had homemade hamburgers...nothing on hers but cheese and mustard...no crunchy stuff there. Took her back in the next day...they said "don't eat crunchy stuff", ok really? Do I look that stupid?? anyway... she had to go back to ortho on sat to have it fixed. Off comes #2. Now I believe its crappy work on the part of Ortho, and regardless of the outcome of a beautiful smile...I will not recommend this company to anyone. (but they are what her dads insurance covered) She was at her dads for the weekend visit and He takes her and gets them fixed with, from the ortho... "warning...stop eating crunchy stuff". Ok...now you are poking the mama bear. Sunday she turns 16. No party..sorry, small cake last week with Step-dad and family...multiple B-days, no money...Bills due.. have been out of work since October. Can not find a job that will let me be at home before 9am and by 3pm to be with 5 year old. Having some behavior issues with this one... cause daddy has been out of town on business. She is not dealing well with that. She turned 6 yesterday. (daddy still out of town, missed it, and couldn't call before bedtime). Sorry, back to the teenager. Grrrrr, frustration levels to the roof...This morning... bracket #3 comes off. I call... sorry Miss receptionist lady... but I do utter the words..."don't even think of blaming this on my daughter...she was eating a nutra-grain bar" NO CRUNCHY FOOD HAS BEEN ALLOWED. They make me wait for Ortho asst. to call me back cause she doesn't come in till after 9am and the orthodontist is out of town. Ha ha ha. as I sit here typing... I am still waiting for the phone call. Mind you this Asst. is the same one who heard me last Thursday question what kind of work do "you people" do if they come lose 4 hours later? Okay now...breath Kim. Husband feels badly he is not here for support...and as we all are... is going through his own stuff not being home. Yesterday, woke up to gutter hanging off of house and making horrific banging noise...call to landlord to have it fixed. Checking account empty...need to put gas in car I cant afford to pay for... yes, seriously considering letting it be repossessed... I could use the $300 for other things...after all.. if I can't get a job...what do we need a 2nd car for. (sadly confessing...dodging phone calls from bill collectors... hey buddy...if I get it ...you will get it!) I could go on and on for several pages and this is just one week.
Alright now Kim...take another deep breath. I quietly sit down and pray...alright already God...I get it...I GIVE UP! As any other parent would, I can sit here and imagine him saying...its about time. I am not some religious freak...and yes I do believe in and trust God to fight my battles for me... I believe God is the ultimate Karma. However... I do admit... I do as they say "let go and let God"...than in my weakness and frustrations... I take it back. So yes... the undue frustration is my own fault... come on kids... 1--2--3--NOT IT... of course your not it... its MEEEEEE! Tell me you can relate??
Now I sit here giggling to myself, cause this sounds totally silly, but 10 minutes ago I could have punched someone. Had to sit down and pray...than take a hot shower and wait for Him to speak. I was going to write about something completely different today...but He is making a point... whether or not you want to admit it... you do it too. We all say we let go.... but everyone of us at some point or another can't leave it alone...we try to take back control simply because we think we can do it better...or faster on our own...or worse yet...we are under the delusion we can do it better our self...we don't need God... (heavy sigh here... yes... I feel as if I just got God thumped with his spiritual 2-by-4)
I have been a christian since March 10, 2002. ( I can still remember the exact moment...but that's another story). This is the lesson I still go round the mountain trying to master. Part of me feels with my husband out of town... it is my responsibility to keep things in order, after all, I am a grown-up and I want him to concentrate on his job, and not worry about us...and on most matters... it is up to me.... I run the errands...take care of the kids...do the laundry, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, feed and clean the animals oh, and the kids... etc. You all know what goes on daily. God in his infinite wisdom is trying so patiently to teach me to STOP IT! Its not all up to me.
So today...10:51 A.M.... ( another deep breath) I don't have to worry... I am letting it go, I promise not to punch anybody...yes, this means the Ortho Asst. can now call me back (but really, don't blame it on my daughter and DO NOT MENTION CRUNCHY FOOD)... OH, sorry God! Yes.. from here on today I will behave. I will not try to solve anyone's (everyone's) problems... (yes, help me out here...please don't call me to complain...hahaha)
Really? come on, you've done it too... I know you have, even if you don't want to admit it. (please drop me a comment below...am I the only one struggling with this one?)
Today you get 2 songs, cause that's what I have been listing to all morning...
So lets all vow to relax, and really let God...
He knows already what the outcome will be, remember to give the glory to Him... God is in control! He will keep allowing the world to give us "stuff", but how we come out the other side is a testament to strength and courage in the face of pain, fear and frustration...
a test we all must take... some of us ... many times over, till we remember He is taking care of his children, and when we allow Him to, we are stronger for it. Its not up to us...and remember
-You are NOT alone
We will start with last Wednesday... 15yr old had braces put on...(tax refund went for down payment...no ortho on dental plan...sorry girl...no drivers licence anytime soon for you...cant afford the school) and her first bracket came off after 4 hours. Before you ask...yes I have the list of everything she can not eat... we had homemade hamburgers...nothing on hers but cheese and mustard...no crunchy stuff there. Took her back in the next day...they said "don't eat crunchy stuff", ok really? Do I look that stupid?? anyway... she had to go back to ortho on sat to have it fixed. Off comes #2. Now I believe its crappy work on the part of Ortho, and regardless of the outcome of a beautiful smile...I will not recommend this company to anyone. (but they are what her dads insurance covered) She was at her dads for the weekend visit and He takes her and gets them fixed with, from the ortho... "warning...stop eating crunchy stuff". Ok...now you are poking the mama bear. Sunday she turns 16. No party..sorry, small cake last week with Step-dad and family...multiple B-days, no money...Bills due.. have been out of work since October. Can not find a job that will let me be at home before 9am and by 3pm to be with 5 year old. Having some behavior issues with this one... cause daddy has been out of town on business. She is not dealing well with that. She turned 6 yesterday. (daddy still out of town, missed it, and couldn't call before bedtime). Sorry, back to the teenager. Grrrrr, frustration levels to the roof...This morning... bracket #3 comes off. I call... sorry Miss receptionist lady... but I do utter the words..."don't even think of blaming this on my daughter...she was eating a nutra-grain bar" NO CRUNCHY FOOD HAS BEEN ALLOWED. They make me wait for Ortho asst. to call me back cause she doesn't come in till after 9am and the orthodontist is out of town. Ha ha ha. as I sit here typing... I am still waiting for the phone call. Mind you this Asst. is the same one who heard me last Thursday question what kind of work do "you people" do if they come lose 4 hours later? Okay now...breath Kim. Husband feels badly he is not here for support...and as we all are... is going through his own stuff not being home. Yesterday, woke up to gutter hanging off of house and making horrific banging noise...call to landlord to have it fixed. Checking account empty...need to put gas in car I cant afford to pay for... yes, seriously considering letting it be repossessed... I could use the $300 for other things...after all.. if I can't get a job...what do we need a 2nd car for. (sadly confessing...dodging phone calls from bill collectors... hey buddy...if I get it ...you will get it!) I could go on and on for several pages and this is just one week.
Alright now Kim...take another deep breath. I quietly sit down and pray...alright already God...I get it...I GIVE UP! As any other parent would, I can sit here and imagine him saying...its about time. I am not some religious freak...and yes I do believe in and trust God to fight my battles for me... I believe God is the ultimate Karma. However... I do admit... I do as they say "let go and let God"...than in my weakness and frustrations... I take it back. So yes... the undue frustration is my own fault... come on kids... 1--2--3--NOT IT... of course your not it... its MEEEEEE! Tell me you can relate??
Now I sit here giggling to myself, cause this sounds totally silly, but 10 minutes ago I could have punched someone. Had to sit down and pray...than take a hot shower and wait for Him to speak. I was going to write about something completely different today...but He is making a point... whether or not you want to admit it... you do it too. We all say we let go.... but everyone of us at some point or another can't leave it alone...we try to take back control simply because we think we can do it better...or faster on our own...or worse yet...we are under the delusion we can do it better our self...we don't need God... (heavy sigh here... yes... I feel as if I just got God thumped with his spiritual 2-by-4)
I have been a christian since March 10, 2002. ( I can still remember the exact moment...but that's another story). This is the lesson I still go round the mountain trying to master. Part of me feels with my husband out of town... it is my responsibility to keep things in order, after all, I am a grown-up and I want him to concentrate on his job, and not worry about us...and on most matters... it is up to me.... I run the errands...take care of the kids...do the laundry, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, feed and clean the animals oh, and the kids... etc. You all know what goes on daily. God in his infinite wisdom is trying so patiently to teach me to STOP IT! Its not all up to me.
So today...10:51 A.M.... ( another deep breath) I don't have to worry... I am letting it go, I promise not to punch anybody...yes, this means the Ortho Asst. can now call me back (but really, don't blame it on my daughter and DO NOT MENTION CRUNCHY FOOD)... OH, sorry God! Yes.. from here on today I will behave. I will not try to solve anyone's (everyone's) problems... (yes, help me out here...please don't call me to complain...hahaha)
Really? come on, you've done it too... I know you have, even if you don't want to admit it. (please drop me a comment below...am I the only one struggling with this one?)
Today you get 2 songs, cause that's what I have been listing to all morning...
So lets all vow to relax, and really let God...
He knows already what the outcome will be, remember to give the glory to Him... God is in control! He will keep allowing the world to give us "stuff", but how we come out the other side is a testament to strength and courage in the face of pain, fear and frustration...
a test we all must take... some of us ... many times over, till we remember He is taking care of his children, and when we allow Him to, we are stronger for it. Its not up to us...and remember
-You are NOT alone
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
MYTH: Big girls don't cry
Fergie's song: Big girls don't cry... my favorite song of hers...Yet... a myth. We cry, we cry often and we cry a lot!!!
I have had it said to me that God takes all our tears and keeps them in a jar. While I am not sure how biblically accurate that is, I do know that He uses tears to heal.
One of my best friends used to like to joke and say..." Oh no, God must be moving cause Kimmys crying again". Yep that's me... the crier... doesn't matter the occasion... happy, sad, frustrated, and worst of all, I cry when I am angry... which in turn makes me angrier that people see me cry... so... yet more tears.. Wow, I used to hate that about me. Than I went through a horrible depression and shutting down period and scared myself that I couldn't cry.
happily I can say I am back, and in full tear mode once again. In case you missed my point... here it is again,
IT IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TO CRY. Crying means you have feelings, and feelings are good, it proves your still breathing, and as long as you are alive...things CAN change. That being said, this in no way means I condone cry babies. Tear have their place, but whinny crying grates on my every nerve. So call this a bad parenting moment...but when my kids or grand kids start to cry... for no obvious reason I must add... out of my mouth and even their moms mouth comes the following phrase... "Are you hurt? (usually followed by a quiet no on their part) Are you broken? (followed again by no) Are you bleeding? (followed by the last no spoken in a little voice of desperation)... Than STOP CRYING". Okay, I may not make mom or grandma of the year... but you get the point. You should have a reason to cry...there is always a reason it seems.
For me at least... tears are not a weakness... but a sign of surrender, which for me is strength. I am or was... most probably still am but not so much now, a perfectionist. "the ultimate Super Mom" if you will. I feel the need to do for everyone, all of the time. The mom all the kids friends think is cool... most all of them call me mom too. :-) Don't get me wrong... I can be their friend... feed them, and treat them as if they were mine... and just like they are mine... I will tell it like it is. If your doing something you shouldn't be... I just may butt in.
My family knows when mom is tipping the scales on aggravation mode. If the phrase screamed out..."your getting on my last nerve" isn't a big enough clue... they get that LOOK. Every mom has one... and husbands... you know it... its the one that immediately has you tune everything out. Some of you even leave the room. Thankfully I have the greatest husband! If he is not working, and he sees this... he usually takes the youngest one out for a bit to give mommy a chance to center herself. Our teen... knows when to escape to the upstairs retreat. Me... time for a good cry. Out on the porch with a cup of coffee... a hot bath/shower, or I have this stuffed frog I call Henry. I have snotted on him so often... if he could he would probably run away from home.
Whats my point to all of this? Its simple... go ahead and cry. Energize yourself again... find something you love to do and do it. I am a warrior. I will stand up for the lesser and fight when they can't. Mess with my kids and you see that Mama Bear out in full force. For me... God is my Bear. I run home to Daddy when I am weak.
Sometimes its alone, sometimes its in the arms of my loving God given husband. But I cry. I have learned to be vulnerable. I FEEL. Don't shut off your heart from the world. Don't try to be so strong that you don't need someone. We all need someone. If this sounds like you... my best and most loving advice...STOP TRYING TO DO IT ALL ALONE!!!! I can say this, because I have been there. I prayed for the hurt to stop, I cried, screamed, and fought with God. All along not realizing He had been there beside me the entire time. He sent me a Teacher...a Mentor...and 15 years later I am proud to still say a friend. (MM) went out of his way to teach me, and mentor me, and with his wife at his side, we worked together weekly for almost 3 years. Seems like a long time now, but back than, it was a lifeline that seemed a lot shorter then that. I learned to trust. I learned to feel. I learned to live.
Someone is reading this and saying so what. You made it... whoopee for you. But you don't understand how hard it is for me. That's where you are dead wrong. I have lived through several lifetimes of loss. I understand more than you know. This is the reason for me to write this for you now. YOU are NOT ALONE. Maybe you do not yet have your mentor, friend, spouse... or perhaps yet you have not even learned to trust in God. Find what works for you. I knew a man once going through a 12-step program... they want you to find your "higher power". He didn't believe in a god. His higher power became an old tree where he would sit and thing. His alone spot. We all have something... some special place... as Winnie the Pooh would say... our thinking place. Know that whatever it takes for you to center yourself... use it. Do not shut your heart off. God is love, and He will put someone... or several someones in your path so you do not walk alone. You however, have to be willing to let someone in.
If your reading this and you know someone in crisis... just be there for them. If they make you leave... don't fight them. Walk away... than go right back to them until they trust that you are there to love and support them. When they push you away, lovingly push back. MM's favorite line to me was... "just give me 1 more week". If your reading this now now M...THANK YOU... I LOVE YOU for NEVER giving up on me... especially when I gave up on myself.
Last night my husband asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this blog and "put it all out there". I told him the same thing I will tell you now. YES! 100% YES. Someone out there is ....here. You need to know that someone else has been there. That there is life at the end of all of the pain. I repeat... LIFE at the end. You may be crying as you read this... if so, grab a tissue and know that you are loved. I don't know you, or perhaps I do... perhaps you are me. I have met several "Me's" along my walk. If I can help even only one of you to not feel abandoned... my pain was all worth it. For those of us who are still struggling to find yourself... here is my wish for you. That God sends you an Angel to help you... to guide you to find your peace. To walk beside you holding you up until you can take your own steps.... until you learn how to Fly like the Eagle God created you to be. In that place, remember this moment. .. than give back to someone else who will need you. Find comfort in this last song. Cause you are loved, you are cherished, if only in the eyes of your Heavenly Father you find your strength... but remember always... DO NOT EVER FORGET-
**you are NOT alone
Monday, March 26, 2012
Just "Be"
I was going through some of my old journals deciding just what to write, and kept coming back to the same message. "BE"
Being of a curious nature, I decided to look the word up in the dictionary.
# intransitive - To occupy a place.
# intransitive without predicate - {{non-gloss definition elliptical form of 'be here',
# transitive copulative - {{non-gloss definition Used to connect a noun to an adjective that describes it}}.
# archaic - {{non-gloss definition Used to form the perfect aspect with certain intransitive verbs. Often still used for ''to go''}}
So what does it all mean? Verbs are action words. Its a command to do something. over and over in my life I was instructed to "BE". be good, be faithful, be quiet, be still, ... the list goes on and on. What did it mean. How does one simply BE if you don't know who you are or where you are supposed to be? The world is full of those who will happily tell you where you should go, what you should do, who you should be friends with... you get the picture. I didn't know who I was. I had not yet found where I belonged. my question to God was always BE WHAT??
One day back in 2003 a dear friend decided I had been cooped up in my house for far too long and needed some fresh air. I was a single mom at the time and it was the weekend my daughter went to spend with her father. I had nothing better to do, and agreed to go on a quiet drive. We had no plans to go anywhere specific, just drive. We ended up near some old abandon railroad tracks. This was a place my friend liked to go when he needed time to "think". While walking along the tacks an old railroad spike caught my eye. It was out of the ground and half buried by sand. I picked it up, brushed it off and continued to walk, spike in hand. My friend saw this old rusty dirty spike and offered to help find a better one if I really wanted to keep it. I told him no, that this was the one I wanted. He questioned me since the thing i was carrying was obviously trashed, and honestly, if it was something one of my kids would have brought home, I would probably have told them to keep it outside. But there was something about this old spike that spoke to my spirit. We finished our walk, went to the local mall and had a bite to eat, we loved chicken teriyaki, and went home.
That night while sitting along and feeling sorry for myself cause the house was so quiet, a still small voice spoke to me. There was this "something" placed on my heart and words just flooded my head. Words I knew needed to come out. So paper and pen I grabbed and began to write. This is what God placed in my heart that summer night. And by the way... to this day I still have that railroad spike. I keep it in a drawer of a mantle clock this same friend bought me as a Christmas Gift that same year. If you have ever been in this place...you will understand.
Being of a curious nature, I decided to look the word up in the dictionary.
Verb
# context intransitive now _ literary - To exist; to have real existence. # intransitive - To occupy a place.
# intransitive without predicate - {{non-gloss definition elliptical form of 'be here',
# transitive copulative - {{non-gloss definition Used to connect a noun to an adjective that describes it}}.
# archaic - {{non-gloss definition Used to form the perfect aspect with certain intransitive verbs. Often still used for ''to go''}}
So what does it all mean? Verbs are action words. Its a command to do something. over and over in my life I was instructed to "BE". be good, be faithful, be quiet, be still, ... the list goes on and on. What did it mean. How does one simply BE if you don't know who you are or where you are supposed to be? The world is full of those who will happily tell you where you should go, what you should do, who you should be friends with... you get the picture. I didn't know who I was. I had not yet found where I belonged. my question to God was always BE WHAT??
One day back in 2003 a dear friend decided I had been cooped up in my house for far too long and needed some fresh air. I was a single mom at the time and it was the weekend my daughter went to spend with her father. I had nothing better to do, and agreed to go on a quiet drive. We had no plans to go anywhere specific, just drive. We ended up near some old abandon railroad tracks. This was a place my friend liked to go when he needed time to "think". While walking along the tacks an old railroad spike caught my eye. It was out of the ground and half buried by sand. I picked it up, brushed it off and continued to walk, spike in hand. My friend saw this old rusty dirty spike and offered to help find a better one if I really wanted to keep it. I told him no, that this was the one I wanted. He questioned me since the thing i was carrying was obviously trashed, and honestly, if it was something one of my kids would have brought home, I would probably have told them to keep it outside. But there was something about this old spike that spoke to my spirit. We finished our walk, went to the local mall and had a bite to eat, we loved chicken teriyaki, and went home.
That night while sitting along and feeling sorry for myself cause the house was so quiet, a still small voice spoke to me. There was this "something" placed on my heart and words just flooded my head. Words I knew needed to come out. So paper and pen I grabbed and began to write. This is what God placed in my heart that summer night. And by the way... to this day I still have that railroad spike. I keep it in a drawer of a mantle clock this same friend bought me as a Christmas Gift that same year. If you have ever been in this place...you will understand.
The Railroad Spike...
Old
Weather Beaten
Tossed aside
overlooked
No one would have noticed it. It had but one purpose and having been used, was it no longer of any worth? Is this it's fate? To be tossed aside and forgotten? Is it over?
NO
This is only the beginning. God sees the end from the beginning.
The Railroad Spike...
Strong
Sharp
Necessary for the completion of a plan
It was created to be a part of something bigger. A small but necessary piece in history. Years of weather, and abuse by countless numbers of trains passing over, yet it remained steadfast in its purpose. No storm, no train, no hand of man can altar its original purpose, for its creator had only one idea in mind when he made it.
You...
Older
Weather Beaten
Tossed Aside
Most times overlooked
Your Creator designed you with but one purpose. He fashioned you, He molded you, He spoke life into you. No amount of time, no storms in life, no hands of demons or man can altar you original purpose.
Be who He created you to be, and be only what He made you. HIS MOST PRECIOUS POSSESSION. HIS CHILD. HIS GIFT IN A PART OF HISTORY. Be who you are...Be out loud or in the secret places...only BE! Just know... He who creates saw the end before you. He knows who you are and who you are to become. Be confidant. Be strong, Be sharp, and Be necessary.
Be still and know... that "I AM".
It took me a long time to understand what it meant to "BE". I kept thinking I was supposed to do something. I finally figured it out. I already was. I was everything I was supposed to be. I just had to believe in me. I had to stop seeing myself as I thought the world saw me. As I saw me, my distorted view. It was time to see me as God saw me. God doesn't make any mistakes, He created what he desires for His purpose and in His time. I was who I was... not an accident, but put here with meaning and purpose. To accomplish something greater than... To speak for the voices of those who are in silence. To show a path to something bigger than the pain. To let others know...as always...
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Fear: my first memory and my lifetime Ghost
Its been a full life so far, but going back, the first memory I have is of Fear. I am looking out of my playpen at my biological father...wearing a Frankenstein mask. I remember he used to wear it every Halloween and go trick or treating door to door with a shot glass. Yes the man was/is an alcoholic. He was a mean drunk. He knocked us kids around when he chose to, and nothing was ever good enough. This is where it all began. I call him my biological father (JM) because my daddy, the man who later raised me (even though I was already a teen) has passed on many years ago now...but he was my daddy. This early relationship with fear set the stage for a lifetime of always thinking i was "not good enough" a failure, useless, and just here to be used and abused. Sound familiar? if so, you are not reading this by any accident but by a stroke of fate. Yes, I do believe in fate and destiny. I believe our lives are mapped out long before any choices we make. Some things we miss along the way, and others no matter how we try to avoid them or make choices that would lead us into another direction, still come to find us.
This relationship with fear and failure is also what led me to fight with everything in me against any relationship with God, my Father. They say you are the way He made you and he loves you in spite of yourself, and this while it sounds retarded for lack of a better word... is of course right on! Everyone chooses whether or not to have a personal relationship with Him, so jump right in, some are raised to believe, some like me, while raised Roman Catholic...knew there was something, but it was never personal, just something you had to do. This cold distant God... the one they teach you is enormous and everywhere... was always out of reach. Seemed you were always told to go somewhere else but never directly to Him. Confessionals with a Priest... disciplined by the nuns... but never a true relationship...so of course.. i figured I wasn't good enough for Him either. This struggle is what has changed the last 17 years of my life. I am now a born again christian... and in a loving, relationship with my "daddy". It took till I was a 40 year old woman to understand the concept of "daddy's little girl", but in my Gods eyes, that is exactly who I am.
Growing up a survivor of child abuse, both mentally and physically, the scars are deep. Lets call it what is was... i was messed up. my teen years were spent being sexually promiscuous simply to find any type of "love". Sex to me was boring, but if it made you feel anything even for a little bit... I did it. Great way to screw up my marriages too. I can honestly say now that I know what it means to really love someone... of all 5 marriages, I really only love my first husband and my current and happy to say last husband. The first man I loved, (DL)I married, but he was married to his career. So guess what... yep, in spite of our children, again feelings of I am not good enough... he would rather be at work than at home with us...when he was home, it was beer and books that kept his attention. So I married him at the age of 18. We buried our first born within that first year, and 2 more children later... divorced at 22. My current husband (RA) is my best friend and I believe my soul mate. we are extensions of the other and connected on levels I could never begin to explain. I know I would never have found him had I not struggled and gone through all the other crap first. Before I say anything else... yes, I still battle my fear demons, but I know I am worth much and loved completely. I don't think we stop fighting until we die.
There are those who argue about what makes us who we are... 'NATURE OR NURTURE" genetics or how we are raised... never quite figured out the truth. Its both. while you can not use either to excuse your behavior... how you are raised does lay a powerful foundation. FEAR, my foundation. abuse, neglect, pain, loneliness, more fear...this is pretty much all I remember growing up.
I learned a few days after it happened that when I was about 12, dear old dad, in one of his many drunk states... had a butcher knife in each hand and stabbed into my mattress on either side of me. I was told later by my mom that if I wouldn't have been such a heavy sleeper I would be dead. YEA.... see how much I was loved? Yes I believe alcoholism is a disease... but in the case of my father, it was an excuse to blame when he did his horrible things. He was always sober before the abuse... got drunk afterwards...so many nights I prayed he would die...nope, as far as I know he is a lonely and pathetic old man with no family... but still living. At least I know he was still alive 5+ years ago when we buried my mom. My uncle contacted him, but he couldn't be bothered to come to the funeral. Big surprise there.
Fear can be replaced. Love can overcome. You just need to believe. You need to fight and you need to accept that you are "good enough" and not always a failure.
***NOTE:*** This is the full explicit version, while i tried to put in the clean version... its the video that adds to the song. Not intended to offend anyone by the language...so don't let it play in front of little ears.
I will add a song or 2 to each of my stories because that's my heart. Music is how God reaches me, even today.
I am ME! Like me or hate me...it is irrelevant. I am content with who I have become, and while I still have my personal struggles, I am perfect in the eyes of my Heavenly Father, and that's "good enough" for me. Fear was my foundation, but God has built my house of Love.
This relationship with fear and failure is also what led me to fight with everything in me against any relationship with God, my Father. They say you are the way He made you and he loves you in spite of yourself, and this while it sounds retarded for lack of a better word... is of course right on! Everyone chooses whether or not to have a personal relationship with Him, so jump right in, some are raised to believe, some like me, while raised Roman Catholic...knew there was something, but it was never personal, just something you had to do. This cold distant God... the one they teach you is enormous and everywhere... was always out of reach. Seemed you were always told to go somewhere else but never directly to Him. Confessionals with a Priest... disciplined by the nuns... but never a true relationship...so of course.. i figured I wasn't good enough for Him either. This struggle is what has changed the last 17 years of my life. I am now a born again christian... and in a loving, relationship with my "daddy". It took till I was a 40 year old woman to understand the concept of "daddy's little girl", but in my Gods eyes, that is exactly who I am.
Growing up a survivor of child abuse, both mentally and physically, the scars are deep. Lets call it what is was... i was messed up. my teen years were spent being sexually promiscuous simply to find any type of "love". Sex to me was boring, but if it made you feel anything even for a little bit... I did it. Great way to screw up my marriages too. I can honestly say now that I know what it means to really love someone... of all 5 marriages, I really only love my first husband and my current and happy to say last husband. The first man I loved, (DL)I married, but he was married to his career. So guess what... yep, in spite of our children, again feelings of I am not good enough... he would rather be at work than at home with us...when he was home, it was beer and books that kept his attention. So I married him at the age of 18. We buried our first born within that first year, and 2 more children later... divorced at 22. My current husband (RA) is my best friend and I believe my soul mate. we are extensions of the other and connected on levels I could never begin to explain. I know I would never have found him had I not struggled and gone through all the other crap first. Before I say anything else... yes, I still battle my fear demons, but I know I am worth much and loved completely. I don't think we stop fighting until we die.
There are those who argue about what makes us who we are... 'NATURE OR NURTURE" genetics or how we are raised... never quite figured out the truth. Its both. while you can not use either to excuse your behavior... how you are raised does lay a powerful foundation. FEAR, my foundation. abuse, neglect, pain, loneliness, more fear...this is pretty much all I remember growing up.
I learned a few days after it happened that when I was about 12, dear old dad, in one of his many drunk states... had a butcher knife in each hand and stabbed into my mattress on either side of me. I was told later by my mom that if I wouldn't have been such a heavy sleeper I would be dead. YEA.... see how much I was loved? Yes I believe alcoholism is a disease... but in the case of my father, it was an excuse to blame when he did his horrible things. He was always sober before the abuse... got drunk afterwards...so many nights I prayed he would die...nope, as far as I know he is a lonely and pathetic old man with no family... but still living. At least I know he was still alive 5+ years ago when we buried my mom. My uncle contacted him, but he couldn't be bothered to come to the funeral. Big surprise there.
Fear can be replaced. Love can overcome. You just need to believe. You need to fight and you need to accept that you are "good enough" and not always a failure.
***NOTE:*** This is the full explicit version, while i tried to put in the clean version... its the video that adds to the song. Not intended to offend anyone by the language...so don't let it play in front of little ears.
I will add a song or 2 to each of my stories because that's my heart. Music is how God reaches me, even today.
I am ME! Like me or hate me...it is irrelevant. I am content with who I have become, and while I still have my personal struggles, I am perfect in the eyes of my Heavenly Father, and that's "good enough" for me. Fear was my foundation, but God has built my house of Love.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Question: Describe yourself in one word...
I've thought about just which word describes me... when adding up all of life's experiences... Survivor seems to fit. While I have been known as a fighter, its much more than that. The saying is true, what doesn't kill you does make you stronger.
I seem to remember the feelings along the way and more than one time I did wish it would kill me. The isolation, uncontrollable, or self imposed, was the worst. I was convinced that there was no one who could understand any of what I was going through. My mentor tried to give me advice... but he had not walked my path... while he could sympathise... he didn't really understand. I vividly remember the first time I was told... "in order for someone to have the experience to teach others, they had to first go through it". What did that mean to me... oh joy, there was no one who understood, because I was the first. I have since run into myself several times along the path, and although I cried, whined, and screamed the whole way... I made it... and I could feel more than sympathy... I could feel empathy, after all... I had been through that. Joyce Myers teaches that "this is only a test". that we are given tasks and we never truly fail, we just keep going round the mountain until we pass. One would think that after all these years I would have figured it out the first time... but no. There I go... round and round and round sometimes. Eventually I learn. Ok, so a little hard headed and way stubborn. Yes, that's me. I am 47 years old, married 5 times, 5 children, and 6 grand children... with yet the last 2 at home.. the youngest being 6. Sure I have learned a few things, but I am still learning. I don't think we ever really stop, not as long as we are breathing. Mother, wife, counselor, friend, lover, grandmother, daughter, fighter, quitter, whiner, perfectionist..... put them all together and survivor is the correct word.
Who are you? how do the people closest to you see you? what about the people that only see you from a distance? I am going to post this question on Face Book, and see what I get from my friends and family. Will save those results for another time. I challenge you... search yourself, ask your friends, parents, spouses... what do they say... then look in the mirror... ask yourself? You might just be surprised at what you learn.
remember,
You are NOT alone
Who are you? how do the people closest to you see you? what about the people that only see you from a distance? I am going to post this question on Face Book, and see what I get from my friends and family. Will save those results for another time. I challenge you... search yourself, ask your friends, parents, spouses... what do they say... then look in the mirror... ask yourself? You might just be surprised at what you learn.
remember,
You are NOT alone
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